#201 Not Like My Mother by Irene Tomkinson ? One-Eleven Books

Summary:

First of all, I?m a little confused as to whether this is supposed to be a self-help book or a memoir. It has elements of both.

The tagline to this book is, ?Becoming a sane parent after growing up in a crazy family.? I don?t know much about the parent part, but I did grow up in a crazy family. Let?s face it, my family has awesome food, is multi-racial, and very accepting, but they?re crazy. My family makes some of the things Fannie Flagg writes about in her books look normal. I can?t even get into some of the more odd occurrences. My uncle with the wanderlust is just the tip of the iceberg.

You know those families on tv that sit down together and have conversations at dinner and then the parents help the kids out with their problems? Yeah, I?ve seen it, but I don?t believe it exists. It?s like a fairy tale or a legend. I do not understand, and probably never will, why some people say that they wish they could be kids again. Seriously? You would want to go through all that crap again? You must be off your rocker.

Let?s get into the actual book. Irene has this forward in which she talks about how her family is crazy. Her father was a prisoner for many years and her mother came to the United States all on her own. She says yelling was part of her every day life growing up. Then Irene says after each chapter she?s going to write a question for you to think about. I?ve been to counselors before, but I never made a great habit of it. It?s good to ask yourself questions at certain times in life. Your brain is made to think about and question things after all, but I kind of feel like Irene presents these questions in a corny manner.

Anyways, so Irene goes on to talk about how her family life was screwed up. Her mom got married six times. I admit that is a little above average, unless you?re Elizabeth Taylor, then it?s normal. Irene does detail a few of the problems she has with her step-fathers. I know some of you probably had just dandy experiences with your step-parents, but for the most part having step-parents can be a real pain. You?re bringing a person into your house and family life that doesn?t share the values your family already has. They don?t have the same work ethic or attitudes that the rest of your family has. There is also a really good chance that any kids born into a relationship between a step-parent and a parent are going to be treated much better than you are. I can see why Irene has problems with a few of her step parents.

Irene then goes on to get married a young age. Her husband is an abusive drunk. They have two daughters together. Somewhere along the line she decides it?s time to leave. She goes to the local Catholic church for help and the priest there pretty much says, ?What have you done to make your husband so angry, my dear.?? Seriously? The husband is beating up on her in his alcoholic induced state and the priest is blaming all of this on her? I have heard of this happening before, but come on! What an idiot! Irene then subsequently loses her faith in the Catholic church. Who wouldn?t after a priest said something like that to you?

Irene then goes on to be a single mother. She works several jobs and tries to go back to school. Life is not easy for her. Somewhere along the line she realizes that she has given her daughters exactly what her mother gave her. Her girls grow up without a father and they are poor. Irene had high hopes for herself and her future children growing up, but she ended up in exactly the same place her mother had, except for Irene used some speed and became an alcoholic along the way.

Irene then gets into some psychology, which is fine, I guess. She says that not-crazy families talk about their feelings instead of trying to hide them. She also says that you have to know what you want and not just what you don?t want in order to break the circle of family craziness, or something like that. This is all nice stuff in theory.

What I liked: I can relate to the crazy so I do kind of like how Irene talks about the craziness in her family. It lets you know you aren?t the only one in the world with a crazy family. I did like the recounting of Irene?s life. I actually wish the book would have been just that instead of this mish-mash between memoir and self-help book. The world always needs more stories of how someone from a crazy family grew up and got their own bearings in life, because there are plenty of kids growing up in crazy right now.

What I didn?t like: I wasn?t into the whole psychology aspect of this book. I know it might be really helpful in the right context, but I was in it more for the story.

Irene?s advice is nice and all, but I think she neglected to mention a few things. To ge out of crazy you have to realize that you don?t have to be crazy. You can make the choice not to do that. You have to pull yourself up out of your crazy family. Irene has done this and I don?t know why she doesn?t mention it. It took her longer to do this than she would have liked, of course, but she did it. She has a master?s degree now. I know she never saw herself doing such a thing as a child, but Irene is now an educated woman, with a husband who cares for her, and a functioning relationship with her daughters. She took herself out of the crazy.

Irene should really make the point that you have to take yourself out of situations, nobody else is going to do it for you. To an extent she gets at this idea. She realizes that her church isn?t going to help her out of her first abusive marriage. She gets out of that herself. That takes some guts.

Honestly, Irene does have an interesting story and it?s a story we could learn from without all the psychology thrown in. We could learn from her example only. I know she is trying to be very helpful, but sometimes people just need to hear successful stories from other people to give them that spark to change their lives.

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I always said my dream job would be to get paid for sitting in a corner and drawing all day long. Now, I have to ammend that idea of my dream job. I think I would like to sit in a corner and be able to get paid for drawing and writing.

Source: http://one-elevenbooks.com/2012/08/23/201-not-like-my-mother-by-irene-tomkinson/

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