Online Dating Coach: What gives me the write? ? The Benicia Herald

By John Gavin

I NEVER DID ALL THAT WELL IN SCHOOL.

I wasn?t a big fan of multiplication tables. Turning work in on time was never my strong suit. Being inside a classroom for most of the best hours of the day was not the stuff my dreams were made of.

But there was one part of school I did like, and that was writing. For one reason or another I?ve always written, and written fairly well. From early in my childhood I liked to see my words on paper.

My earliest memory of looking at what I?d written is from when I was about five years old and wrote across the front of the family photo album: ?Jhon?s picturs are best.?

From that time on, I always seemed to write out my thoughts and feelings ? and that somehow helped me to process and understand them. I was lucky in that the words always came pretty easily. I could usually find the right words to describe my thoughts ? due in no small part to my nerdy habit of reading the dictionary as a kid ? but even when the words didn?t come quickly, eventually they did come.

When my Dad passed away, Mom asked me to write and deliver the eulogy. I remember sitting at my kitchen table on a Monday evening, staring at a blank sheet of paper for what seemed like hours. I gave up and went to bed, where I dreamed about the old guy. He was whistling and smiling just like he always did. I got up the next morning and started to write ? and the words poured onto the paper.

I sometimes wrote short stories and poetry, but the things I was most eager to write were my observations ? my takes on what was happening around me. As the son of Irish immigrants I always felt just a little different from the other kids. I sort of had one foot in American culture and the other in Irish ? and I think that enabled me to get good perspective on my world.

In my life I?ve always been a bit of an observer, and this has helped me immeasurably when writing about what I see.

Now I write about online dating and relationships ? but even though I?m a keen observer, what really gives me the right to do so? What makes me the expert?

Who am I to give advice on affairs of the heart?

Those are good questions, to which I have a very humble answer: I write about those things because I?ve lived them.

Back when I was fresh from my divorce and brand new to the dating sites, I really didn?t know the first thing about relationships. I?d been in a 12-year marriage that had fallen apart for, among other reasons, a lack of maintenance ? and it had been a good 15 years since I?d dated anyone other than my wife. So when I entered online dating I did so with very little experience, a great deal of enthusiasm, and eyes wide open.

Here?s a short list of the things I learned:

Right out of the gate, I met a lovely woman from Woodland on Match.com. I moved in with her, and we lived together for three years. From this relationship I learned that even though my wife no longer wanted me, other women still clearly did.

After that I met women such as Vallejo Girl, who confided in me that her violent and jealous ex-husband would soon be released from jail. Though I never asked her out for a second date, I nonetheless knew her long enough to learn this lesson: Have your personal life in order before trying to bring a new someone into it.

From Stockton Girl I learned that if you take a woman for granted you may turn around one day and find that she?s not there.

From Turlock Girl and Madera Girl, I learned the lesson of women who try too hard. Turlock Girl offered me an all-sex, no-strings-attached relationship within the first 15 minutes of meeting me ? our dinner hadn?t even arrived yet. Madera Girl, despite one of the worst dates I?d ever been on ? where there was zero chemistry and sparse, halting conversation at best ? followed me to my car to ask, ?What, no kiss??

From San Francisco Girl, who upon arriving at the restaurant decided to make our waitress her mortal enemy, I learned that some women can be quite competitive.

From Vacaville Girl, who brought a Bible with her to our first date, I learned the lesson of making sure your worldview is compatible with the person you?re meeting.

From Aptos Girl I learned that there were women who cared deeply about me and would put my needs before theirs.

From Antioch Girl, who told me that she had recently stabbed her brother with a steak knife, I learned the lesson of not always needing to learn a lesson ? sometimes you just cut and run.

And from Modesto Girl I learned that you can meet someone online who fits your life and who makes you very happy.

As my online education continued, I started to notice an interesting pattern ? despite the differences in the women I met, they all shared, almost to a one, a common theme: They were frustrated with dating online. Some even hated it. Most were just doing it to find a relationship.

I compared this to my knowledge of how we guys seemed to be going about the same process, and noticed a glaring difference: We usually had little interest in an actual relationship, but we loved the dating part.

And it was this difference that caused me to pick up a pen and start writing about why online dating ? which, at first, had seemed to me such a good idea ? could turn out to be so frustrating for so many. Many of the things I?ve written since have had to do with us guys spending most of our energy chasing women and, once we?ve found a good one, spending much less energy creating an actual relationship.

And here I am in such a spot again. You see, I?ve met a lovely woman whom I?ve started to date exclusively, and already I?ve failed to make her feel as special as she clearly is.

And that?s what I?m writing about today.

John Gavin, a divorced father of two boys, lives in Benicia and has dabbled with dating sites to varying degrees of success. Email him at DearCoachJohn@gmail.com and follow him on Twitter @OnlineDtngCoach.

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